I will not go back, I will not go back
I will not go back 
because my mother died when I was a child
and my father became so absent he might as well have left at the same time

it is not as if there was a family left around which to gather and share lives, hurts and hopes
because looking after myself became my only hope

it is not as if there was a safe front door I could walk through any time of day or night 
because the front door was closed and I was not offered a key

it is not as if there was an alternative refuge which I could call my own
because he gave any potential space away along with everything else

it is not as if there was a paternal welcome ever awaiting me
because he usually didn't even bother to show up

no, I will not go back. I will not go back
I will not go back
because now he is dead even the false hope has gone