The next train will be the wrong one
it won’t take you where you want to go
no matter where you think you are going
this train will not take you there

the following train is sure to take you somewhere else
if you want to go somewhere else please consider the following train
however, also consider that somewhere else is always somewhere else
it is never where you think it is
please only board this train if you want to go somewhere else

please stand behind the yellow line for your own safety
we can’t guarantee your well-being if you fall in front of the train
we can’t guarantee your well-being anyway
or anywhere you might want to be for that matter
trains are not well-being services 
please go to platform 4 if you need well-being services 
the train there will stop at Brighton Station
where you will find the highest concentration of psychiatrists, psychologists, mental health nurses, clairvoyants and shysters in the city of Melbourne 
Brighton might be the stop to help you get sorted
we hope you enjoy your stop in Brighton

please consider other passengers on the train
during peak periods move along the aisles to the centre of the carriage 
this reduces entry obstruction
in the centre find your centre
look closely at everyone around you
find yourself in the same can of sardines
ask yourself what this means?

the next train to run express runs from Parliament Station to Union Station
this train is a contradiction in terms 
lines have been drawn
there is no crossing these lines
please be aware this train may be delayed by stationary action at Union
normal services may not resume until Parliament legislates
so scabs can break the line 
pace the platform and make frustrated calls to lovers, family and friends (in that order)
afterward this train may be a rough ride
we advise passengers on this line to avoid windows 
please keep your head down
we cannot guarantee the safety of your head in the event of projectile deployment
helmets may be recommended but are not mandatory when riding this train